You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
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*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
they really do be looking like this
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Had to try this trend 😊
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.