My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
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People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Morning.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.