God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
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Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose