Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
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Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.