Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
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3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.