You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
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Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I just tested negative for patience.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*