If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
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Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?