[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
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Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Otters see a butterfly.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.