Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
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I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.