Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
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I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse