[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
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there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I WON A HAM TODAY
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.