Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
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Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas