I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever