As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
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Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?