I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
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“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild