Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
You Might Also Like
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.