Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine