PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
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I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target