Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
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You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
😩😩😩
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”