Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
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I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life