If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
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When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
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The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.