you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
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Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.