therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
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MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
O Wise One….
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.