PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
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.. do you even science?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
LOL