My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
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a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
sin harder.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”