ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Buck naked
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..