MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
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The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
*sewing*
A thread
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy