me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
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Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.