You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
You Might Also Like
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me: