*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
*puts cutlery down*
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.