A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
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Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
And that about sums it up.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.