Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
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I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP