Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
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Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit