MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
You Might Also Like
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping