Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
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[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Just this preview of the story is enough
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
i spent way too long on this
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong