I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
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I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Room with a view.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day