Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
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Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold