I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
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My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –