My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
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I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
My dad teaching me to drive
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”