The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
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“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.