OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
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In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy