When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
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I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.