Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
You Might Also Like
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management