the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
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There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe