[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
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Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
This is sending me to another galaxy
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.