I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
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People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit