[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
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stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states