ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
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Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
*puts my mental health in rice
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.