Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
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who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Why I divorced her.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*