Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
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Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.